more poems

I feel alone and in desperation i find a cure
i know i'm in love with you and i need more
we get along so well and sometimes i wonder
to be with you its a chore
i have abandoned my friends and my time is spent getting you
no matter the situation we'll make it through
when you leave, you make me sick
but when you come i feel like we click
my ashtray shows memories with you
holes in all my clothes and my arms show its true
i rob i steal i take everything just to be with you
but in the end its never enough

Hey guys, today i guess i feel a bit depressed to be honest with you. I haven't been to an NA meeting since Thursday and i guess that could add to it. The real reason ,i think ,is cause i'm an emotional wreck So if you were following my previous post you would be able to see that i posted about a particular female that i was questioning whether i like her or she likes me, whatever the fuck i was thinking. I think i may have came on too strong and yes if the question you are asking is if i met her i did. We hung out for two days or so and i felt as if we established some sort of connection. For the past two days i guess she has been ignoring me IE not answering any form of communication i seemed to make to her and to me i feel like i fucked up somehow. The night before the ignoring of M (me) campaign began i tried to help her out with a few emotional issues that she felt somewhat insecure about. I even had the courtesy to write her a poem, an original poem dedicated to a girl i have been talking to for 3 days. What am i fucking nuts? She probably thinks i'm some fucking creep that gets emotionally attached way too quickly. See this is the narcissistic side of me that thinks it's all about me and my fault that i was too kind. It's probably that her phone is fucked up and she cant answer back, but how the hell do i know. That's what bugs me the most is the feeling of not knowing. The feeling of assumption which brings me to a seemingly manic state of mind. I like when people are direct with me and tell me how things actually are. If i said something wrong to you, voice that and say hey you fucking cunt sack you said something wrong", or if you think i'm some fucking creep or asshole tell me " hey i think you are a creep and an asshole don't fucking talk to me!". I am so sorry i'm cursing so much and who the hell cares anyway nobody is reading this shit and nobody fucking wants to hear me talk . Every time i try to put myself out there with a female she FUCKS ME OVER .EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!


Here are a few poems that i have written:

life is but a revolver and love is just a bullet
Each time you load the gun it finds a way through it
It pierces your skin and makes you bleed
In your first year of recovery love is all you need
It rips you up with lies and and a new found self esteem
It makes life easier, or so it seems
Emotions numb and you are filled with light
And when you try to get out your filled with a fright
she doesnt respond for a couple days
you lay confused and stare at the ceiling with a fleeting gaze
What did i do i thought all was well
but really heaven was put on delay welcome to hell
depression fills your soul with anticipation and worry
the light becomes dim and the life becomes blurry
so now i sit staring at this computer screen writing a poem
she is gone and i feel alone

Hi guys i apologize for not posting any earlier but i have been suffering with the disease of addiction for the past couple of years. When i started to write this blog i was heavily addicted to stimulants, (Ritalin, cocaine and amphetamines) but today i have 73 days clean from everything. The addiction to stimulants eventually progressed into an opiate limbo and i have been stuck for the past 2 years. Heroin was my eventual downfall but, i have recovered and am standing tall. I had written some poems this time around that i will publish on this site. Some relate to my using career ,and some are just simple randomness :)

  So I have recently started using this site for dating because to be honest I suck with talking to females, I really do. To me it is like I am attempting to solve a mathematical algorithm, blindfolded and drunk, but still I attempt to persevere. So I met this girl online , I think I like this girl or at least I'm genuinely attracted. I don't think she likes me but i guess that takes time to develop.Talking to females has been the hardest thing clean, I really feel like popping a XANAX and taking the edge off but i need to learn how to do this clean. I feel like a virgin on an expedition through the gates of hell. I just hope all goes well and she sees that i am a great person, i think i am i don't want to be too narcissistic and say that im amazing but i know im a good guy.

   Heres a poem off top of my head:
The stream is flowing through me 
I'm left with the world to face
I promise i won't use thee 
maybe i will have a taste 
before i know it i'm in love with the poison 
rehab put me in my place 
i am sane again to see 
I'm left with the world to face

here are the poems i had promised

Leaves
yellow leaves fall in a pattern
so do green and orange too
in a windy cold fall morning
you can see too
they fall in spirals 1,2,1,2
they make us happy just like leaves should do

Soul train to nowhere

She is beautiful as a full moon in a late summer sky
i try to show her my growing affection my divine true love perfection
but possible as it is i cant for her circle of enemies her drugs her lies
i try to show her the way i try and i try
i fail to breach through her because she still lies still lies
she comes to school like a broken soul crying as could be
she wouldn't have felt this way if she was with me
i still try to long to her that i am the better one
But still she dosent see and now she is gone
everyone is there even her friends i see
they all sit there absent of their glee
no affection or love this saddens me
if she would have seen the error of her ways
the way i tried to show her she would have stayed with me
she would

Hearts
hearts are red
filled with pride
watch them glow
watch them stride
filled with joy
fueled with fun
but hearts are temporary
you only have one
treat them well
and they'll treat you
for hearts are only one
and they resemble you 

Bullets are blue

Bullets are blue
shotguns are red
i will watch you fall on the floor
and splatter your head
eat your eyes and burn your brain
make you feel all this pain
laugh and shatter all your hopes
you will be the one who sits and mopes
but its okay because were all a team
THE US ARMY WILL MAKE EVERYTHING GREEN


Bored

Sitting watching listening learning
these 4 motions are quiet exhausting
for long periods of time they seem repulsive
but i find a way to pass the time
with making little rhymes like these
time has passed and i am done
ready sprout
ready to run 

A ravens flight

The water drops upon a cold flat rock

All falls into motion, the key fits into the lock

I stand  on the cliff and look deep into the night

A sudden chill comes up my spine, gives me a fright

I turn viciously and swiftly to see

but there is not even a breeze to set my emotions free

It's trapped within me like a rhythm in a song

This insidious vibe, I can't stay long

As I turn back again I see

The water drips on the cold flat rock in front of me

The night is now clear not even a breeze to rock the tree

I sit on the cliff and watch the stars illuminate the sky

So beautiful It makes even the most stoic will certainly cry

The essence of a strawberry

The essence of a strawberry comes deep within the soul

Buried deep under a dark rock and kept away

No this is ours, this nobody stole

Keeping it safe when times are gray

The strawberry’s exterior is red with love

It will make the weakest stronger than ever

A heavenly fruit that surely came from above

Believe in the essence  forever

The essence of the strawberry comes within each and every creature

If you try it is not hard to find

Surely it highlights your true and greatest feature

For this trait I'm sure you will not mind

So the truth is the strawberry's  is really you

sweet inside and red with beauty outside nothing is more true 

Life

Life is like a bunch of lemons, or so it seems

Every day brings you closer to your dreams

Like a countdown that never ends

The possibilities are limitless

Perfection in life is hard but it is achievable

Sometimes you may be discouraged, seems perceivable

For this journey is truly primeval, but all it takes is believal

A sad sigh, a short upheaval

You feel sad but the happiness is soon to come

Feeling cold maybe even numb

But don't give up, you will reach your path

Because life is like a bunch of lemons

At first it's sour

Then it's sweet

Hospital drama

The patient is rushed into the hospital

Noise bounces off the walls and amplifies

There is a cacophony of screams but no one seems to care

But then comes silence

The silence punctures the ears of every human in the room until the doctor reveals the truth

He has passed 

Hi guys i love how there are 74 page views. :)
Thank you so much for putting in the time and reading my blog,.
I am hoping to put up a few poems and maybe even a short story by the end of the week.
Keep reading my friends.


-M

Tuesday 1:15

An hour and fifteen minutes have passed since my previous mental articulation. To me it seems like the perception of time flies, and each idea I fathom is expelled within minutes from my cranium. This curse is ruthless, but I must fight each day to keep it from persisting. My brain is slower than most individuals, in the focus aspect especially. I battle the sluggishness of the mind by drinking excessive doses of caffeine to keep myself on task. I understand  the repercussions on my health caffeine may have but without it I wouldn't be able to even do the simplest of things. Currently I am sitting in one of my favorite teacher’s classes, teacher Y. Teacher y has been the most helpful person in regard to helping me with my writing and I accredit her for doing so. She always encouraged me to persist the writing career within me, and through that motivation I began this journal. Anyway, I sit in my class munching on one of my grandmother’s famous turkey sandwiches.  The salty taste of the turkey in cohesion with the soft fluffy characteristics of the black bread complete the perfect equation for the sandwich. I munch into it delight fully savoring each bite. The flavor is so orgasmic that it simply makes my toes curl, but to the outsiders eye it is just a sandwich. The reason to why  I enjoy this sandwich so much is due to the hard work my grandmother put into it. You see out of all the people in my family I respect my grandma the most. Why, one may ask, she is just some old fucking geezer ? Well the answer is simple; she puts her blood and sweat into each activity.She had to struggle in the soviet union ,being a Jew, and still made a very great success as an engineer .I love how a multitude of people constantly talk about success, but never amount to it. To achieve something, one must put in their sweat and blood into an activity.  This is why I adore hard working people because they are the ones who survive in our world. The ones who just simply get  through life thinking it is easy ,die young, or end up in the shittiest position there possibly is.  Life is one that only provides as much as an individual is willing to apply to it,being one of those constituents, I  apply my heart and soul to this task. Hopefully, life will grace me with this privilege and I will become what I set out to be, but for now life has only DE- motivated me in each of my attempts to succeed. I look down with disappointment upon my phone to see which teacher I must satisfy today to bring my atrocious grades to a standard. My grades are horrible at the moment, but mainly due to the characterless classes I am in. I wish I could see the reality of education, and not be imprisoned in my own mentality to do such idiotic tasks. Even now I am laughing at the astonishment that my class views a popularized movie dealing with dream theory. Each individual sits with a blank gaze as the main character starts speaking with high level vocabulary. Most of them are disinterested in the actual meaning of the movie, but  rather being drawn in by the testosterone rush they receive. Oh wow! Look at that gun! Boom yeah!!!Fucking imbeciles, little do they know they are actually being seduced by the masses in Hollywood. Well it’s time for class to end and I must stop yet again. If any of you are reading through this and have any suggestions to make, please feel free to help me out.

-M 

A bit of an intro

Through constant persecution I still strive, and with strong belief in that of what I feel, I find that this journal is my only way to prove my true potential to the rest of this self assuming and mentally restricting society we live in. In this journal I choose to speak the truth feeling apathetic to any offense that significant individuals mentioned in this journal may have. Being a strong believer in the English proverb, "The pen is mightier than the sword", I will pay no attention to any individual trying to silence my thought process. Thank  and I hope you enjoy this enthralling journey into my subconscious.