more poems

I feel alone and in desperation i find a cure
i know i'm in love with you and i need more
we get along so well and sometimes i wonder
to be with you its a chore
i have abandoned my friends and my time is spent getting you
no matter the situation we'll make it through
when you leave, you make me sick
but when you come i feel like we click
my ashtray shows memories with you
holes in all my clothes and my arms show its true
i rob i steal i take everything just to be with you
but in the end its never enough

Hey guys, today i guess i feel a bit depressed to be honest with you. I haven't been to an NA meeting since Thursday and i guess that could add to it. The real reason ,i think ,is cause i'm an emotional wreck So if you were following my previous post you would be able to see that i posted about a particular female that i was questioning whether i like her or she likes me, whatever the fuck i was thinking. I think i may have came on too strong and yes if the question you are asking is if i met her i did. We hung out for two days or so and i felt as if we established some sort of connection. For the past two days i guess she has been ignoring me IE not answering any form of communication i seemed to make to her and to me i feel like i fucked up somehow. The night before the ignoring of M (me) campaign began i tried to help her out with a few emotional issues that she felt somewhat insecure about. I even had the courtesy to write her a poem, an original poem dedicated to a girl i have been talking to for 3 days. What am i fucking nuts? She probably thinks i'm some fucking creep that gets emotionally attached way too quickly. See this is the narcissistic side of me that thinks it's all about me and my fault that i was too kind. It's probably that her phone is fucked up and she cant answer back, but how the hell do i know. That's what bugs me the most is the feeling of not knowing. The feeling of assumption which brings me to a seemingly manic state of mind. I like when people are direct with me and tell me how things actually are. If i said something wrong to you, voice that and say hey you fucking cunt sack you said something wrong", or if you think i'm some fucking creep or asshole tell me " hey i think you are a creep and an asshole don't fucking talk to me!". I am so sorry i'm cursing so much and who the hell cares anyway nobody is reading this shit and nobody fucking wants to hear me talk . Every time i try to put myself out there with a female she FUCKS ME OVER .EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!


Here are a few poems that i have written:

life is but a revolver and love is just a bullet
Each time you load the gun it finds a way through it
It pierces your skin and makes you bleed
In your first year of recovery love is all you need
It rips you up with lies and and a new found self esteem
It makes life easier, or so it seems
Emotions numb and you are filled with light
And when you try to get out your filled with a fright
she doesnt respond for a couple days
you lay confused and stare at the ceiling with a fleeting gaze
What did i do i thought all was well
but really heaven was put on delay welcome to hell
depression fills your soul with anticipation and worry
the light becomes dim and the life becomes blurry
so now i sit staring at this computer screen writing a poem
she is gone and i feel alone

Hi guys i apologize for not posting any earlier but i have been suffering with the disease of addiction for the past couple of years. When i started to write this blog i was heavily addicted to stimulants, (Ritalin, cocaine and amphetamines) but today i have 73 days clean from everything. The addiction to stimulants eventually progressed into an opiate limbo and i have been stuck for the past 2 years. Heroin was my eventual downfall but, i have recovered and am standing tall. I had written some poems this time around that i will publish on this site. Some relate to my using career ,and some are just simple randomness :)

  So I have recently started using this site for dating because to be honest I suck with talking to females, I really do. To me it is like I am attempting to solve a mathematical algorithm, blindfolded and drunk, but still I attempt to persevere. So I met this girl online , I think I like this girl or at least I'm genuinely attracted. I don't think she likes me but i guess that takes time to develop.Talking to females has been the hardest thing clean, I really feel like popping a XANAX and taking the edge off but i need to learn how to do this clean. I feel like a virgin on an expedition through the gates of hell. I just hope all goes well and she sees that i am a great person, i think i am i don't want to be too narcissistic and say that im amazing but i know im a good guy.

   Heres a poem off top of my head:
The stream is flowing through me 
I'm left with the world to face
I promise i won't use thee 
maybe i will have a taste 
before i know it i'm in love with the poison 
rehab put me in my place 
i am sane again to see 
I'm left with the world to face